Bob: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
by Bluemuse
Summary: Everyone's favourite blue Guardian now comes with a handy-dandy comprehensive manual! Can't figure out how to operate your Bob? This guide comes in the nick of time!


Author's note: ...Special thanks to Theresa Green for her inspiration and support, whose LotR manuals are still the best. :)

_*** CONGRATULATIONS!_ ***

You are now the proud owner of a BOB Guardian, model 452!

Follow the guidelines in this manual and your BOB will give you years of quality performance. 

INSTALLATION

Your BOB will arrive in a crate marked "one Guardian, model 452." Please note the "This Side Up" arrow. When you receive your BOB, unwrap him from his protective Web armour by double-clicking the black and gold icon located on his chest. It is not necessary to remove any other garments at this stage.

Your BOB should arrive fully assembled and powered up. Please check that you have all his accessories (see below) and that you have been issued with the correct edition of the BOB.

(a) Mark I BOB 452 (copyright Mainframe Entertainment, 1994)

(b) Mark II GLITCH-BOB (copyright Mainframe Entertainment, 1996)

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS

Name: _Bob (aka Guardian 452)_

Type: _Sprite/Guardian_

Site of Manufacture: _Supercomputer_

Height: _180cm_

Weight: _175 lbs._

Length: _Data not available_

Electrical Connection: _Not necessary_

Colour:

Mk I BOB - _Blue and Silver_

Mk II GLITCH BOB - _Blue and much more Silver_

OPERATING PROCEDURE

Your BOB has been designed to be user-friendly and efficient. His controls are voice activated. Please state your instructions clearly in English, Binary or Modemspeak.

Please note that your BOB is not merely decorative; he has many uses around the home. For example:

Home Repair:

A keytool is a standard feature of this Guardian unit. Make the most of this attribute by using your BOB as a handy source of tools, labour and wall-destroying energy beams around the house. Due to your Guardian's remarkably high clockspeed, he can complete chores quickly and effortlessly.

Entertainment: 

The BOB is equipped with a vast knowledge of games and game strategy. For the most effective game playing, tell your BOB that a binome is nullified every time he loses. He will play for his life. He also features guitar-playing ability. Though your BOB is programmed to sing, it is not advised that you use this function, as it has not stood up to field testing. 

PC Maintenence: 

The BOB is programmed with a heightened ability to detect and repair errors on your computer. Never worry about system failure again.Caution must be taken, however, in the event of a computer infection. The virus may not be deleted by your BOB; this will have to be done when he is not looking.

Transportation: 

Your BOB comes equipped with a red Classic 262 drophead convertible, ideal for chauffering you on errands. (Note: this accessory is not covered under warranty.)

*** CAUTION *** Your BOB is a fully functional male sprite and is capable of providing many other services around the home. However, certain tasks should not be undertaken by owners who are in a stable relationship with another human. Improper use of a BOB by such owners can result in permanent damage to marital contentment and the commencement of divorce proceedings.

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS

You will find that your BOB is compatible with most other Sprites and Binomes. However, caution should be exercised with respect to using your BOB in conjunction with any Virus model other than the HEXADECIMAL. 

It is advised that owners of both a HEXADECIMAL and a BOB not leave them unattended, as your Guardian could be fatally damaged. Placement of a DOT in the near vicinity should alleviate this problem.

The maintenance of a DOT as an attachment to the BOB is generally not problematic. The DOT model has two modes of interaction with the BOB:

(a) Romantic

(b) "Just Friends" (available in the S4 model)

*** WARNING *** Interaction with the DOT in "Just Friends" mode for extended periods of time may render your BOB depressed and listless. (See "Trouble Shooting" below)

ACCESSORIES

The items with which your BOB comes equipped, depend on which edition of the Guardian you have purchased.

Mk I BOB: Wears a blue uniform, black boots, medium-length silver hair and carries one keytool. Mike the TV sold seperately.

Mk II GLITCH BOB: Wears metallic silver armour, long black-silver hair and no keytool.

Both editions are equipped with a standard gold icon. The Mk II BOB also features Light-Beam Action (tm).

To make your BOB more portable, you may wish to purchase a Zip-Board for him. The Mk II GLITCH BOB is equipped with flying ability and can be used as transportation on his own. 

*** CAUTION *** Do not use the 262 Convertible as a reliable means of transport. Your BOB may try to convince you that he can fix it. This is not true. Your BOB's abilities do not extend to automobile repair.

CLEANING

Depending on the uses to which you put your BOB, you may have to clean him on a daily basis. Installation of an energy shower in your home is recommended. Soap should remove any stubborn stains (e.g. massage oil, chocolate) easily. 

*** CAUTION *** The GLITCH BOB may be more resistant to regular cleaning due to long periods without a shower in the Web. If this occurs, manual removal of his armour may be necessary. 

RECHARGING

As with all quality Guardians, your BOB has highly durable energy reserves. After long periods of use, however, your BOB's energy levels may become depleted. Use the following procedures to recharge your sprite:

Food/Drink:

The BOB benefits from regular refuelling with energy shakes, which, under normal circumstances, are quite adequate to maintain correct Guardian hydration. These can be obtained from any reputable Diner. Chips and gelatin desserts are also suitable fuel sources. Avoid administering ROM to your BOB. Excessive drinking of ROM in sprites can lead to malfunctions (e.g. consumption of web slugs).

Sleep: 

Your Guardian's sleep patterns are pre-programmed. Simply tuck your Bob into an energy bed and wish him a good downtime, and he will awaken refreshed and energized. (Note: This does not apply to mornings on which he has ignored his alarm clock.)

REPROGRAMMING

An optional S4 upgrade is available for the GLITCH BOB which causes pacifist tendencies, removes his rebooting ability, and alters the appearance of his web scarring; however, it is not recommended that this be installed in conjunction with a S4 upgrade in the DOT model. Total incompatibility may result.

SECURITY

Due to the popularity of the BOB, it essential that you observe the following security procedures for the safekeeping of your Guardian.

* Do not leave your BOB unattended in public.

* Do not lend your BOB to anyone (e.g. best friend, sister).

* Do not expose your BOB to cold, moisture, dust, or magnets.

*Do not bring your BOB to any Radio Shack, Computer Centre or place where risk of interest from computer buffs is high. Abduction of your BOB for display at a sci-fi convention may result.

*** CAUTION *** Your BOB is programmed to "mend and defend,", which includes concern for your safety. The BOB has not been wired for exposure to fangirls, however, which may be an overwhelming experience. Do not expose your BOB to fangirls! If your BOB comes into contact with one, however, and begins to turn bright purple, do not panic. This is a perfectly normal reaction and not a malfunction. Simply lead your Guardian away slowly and he will soon recover.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS 

Q: _Is there a guarantee on my BOB?_

A: Yes, there is. Your BOB is covered under warranty for a minimum of 50 cycles; this guarantee is forfeit, however, upon loss of the BOB in the Web, or exposure to Nulls, Viruses, Web Creatures, Codemasters, Tears, Games, Friskets or Skuzzys.

Q: _Can I purchase any other Guardian models?_

A: Due to the popularity of the 452, Guardian TURBO and MATRIX units are now available.

Q: _What is my BOB's hair made of? Is it removable?_

A: Generally speaking, no. Your BOB is firmly attached to the hair he came with. The material from which it is made was developed in top-secret government labs, and is available on the BOB unit only. Due to the complex molecular structure of the BOB's hair, a complete description is beyond the scope of this manual.

Q: _What should I do if BOB loses his Glitch accessory?_

A: Check your MATRIX. It will be found, possibly broken, on his belt.

Q:_ Where should I store my BOB when he is not in use?_

A: Generally speaking, your BOB should be kept near a computer for his own comfort, when he is not in use. Wrap him in his armour and he will stay in perfect working order. Remember to snuggle BOB regularly to ensure maximum enjoyment on your part, and to maintain optimum adorability levels in your Guardian.

TROUBLE SHOOTING

Problem: Your BOB becomes depressed and withdrawn, sighs a lot and mopes like a lost puppy.

Solution: If this occurs, simply commence interaction with the DOT unit (set to "romantic" mode), and your BOB should recover quickly.

Problem: Your BOB is dressed in a clown costume, a commando uniform, or black leather.

Solution: Your BOB has rebooted. Double-click his icon to return him to his regular uniform. (Note: Some owners have reported satisfaction with the black leather mode and have opted to retain this feature.)

Problem: Your BOB only comes with a Websuit, and smells terrible.

Solution: You have accidentally been issued a WEB BOB model. The smell is due to the lack of shower facilities in the Web. Return him to The Web, c/o Information Superhighway, for a full refund. Alternately, if your BOB shape-shifts, you have been issued a MEGABYTE-BOB. For your own safety, lock him in a closet and contact your local software engineer.

Problem: Your BOB fades in and out, becoming translucent and weak.

Solution: This is a warning sign that your BOB's energy is depleted, or he is seriously injured or ill. If administration of energy shakes fails, contact your local sprite service engineer as soon as possible.

Problem: Your BOB has developed the habit of sneaking out to the garage to tinker with your car.

Solution: The BOB has been erroneously programmed to believe that he is able to fix cars. The only solution is to hide the Glitch accessory and/or your tool set.

Problem: Your BOB refers to minutes as nanos, days as seconds, weeks as minutes, etc.

Solution: Your BOB's language wiring is not crossed; this is perfectly normal behaviour and nothing to be concerned about. He is programmed to refer to time in terms of computer language. A complete list of substituted words includes:

nano = minute

microsecond = hour

second = day

minute = week

cycle = month

hour = year

(Note: These are the only words that refer to time. If your BOB begins to say such things as "five platypuses ago" or "twenty-four shoelaces in a peach, seven barrels in a thumbtack," contact your sprite service engineer as soon as possible.)  
Problem: Minutes after you open your BOB, your front lawn becomes crowded with beautiful girls sporting all colours of hair, skin and eyes, screaming, "Marry me, Bob!". Some are glittering, others carry guns and "attitude."

Solution: This phenomenon is not unknown with the BOB, and is called "Mary Sue Syndrome." Take the following steps: 

(1) It essential that you hide your BOB. Do not hide him in the bedroom - it is the first place they will look. 

(2) Tell the Sues that Harry Potter has been spotted the next street over. They will soon disappear. 

(3) Tell any remaining fan-girls that you have a RAY TRACER, not a BOB. Most of them will leave since they probably have little interest in the Web Surfr unit. As for the rest of them, invite them in for Java and begin a discussion about what colour sprite blood is. While they are arguing, sneak out with your BOB and head for the nearest safe place. Lie low for a few days.

Problem: Your spouse has become curiously withdrawn and uncommunicative. He or she may even have threatened your BOB with physical violence.

Solution: Ask yourself if you are spending too much time with your BOB. Have been neglecting your spouse? Perhaps you have said or done something to offend him/her? For example, talked to your partner in Binary all afternoon or served energy shakes for every meal?

FINAL NOTE

Your BOB will give many, many years of faithful service. In order to avoid bitter arguments between your children, remember to record in your Last Will and Testament which of them will inherit your sprite. 


End file.
